Dear 2009

Dear 2009,

All you did was take, take, take.  Selfish bastard.  I’m so over you.  Don’t let the door hit you in the ass on the way out.

Love,
Katz

Yeah, that’s pretty much how I’d sum up my year.  Certainly, you can look back on the blog and read about the trials and tribulations – I won’t re-hash them for a second time.  I’ve said it before – it would be nice to think that I could say I wouldn’t change a thing and it’s all for the best, but that’s just not how I feel.  There’s plenty of shit I’d change and even more that I wish just didn’t happen in the first place.  But, in spite of the hurt, loss and disappointment that stand out most about the past 12 months, I also know I’ve become a stronger and wiser person for all the experiences I’ve had.

Of course, they weren’t all bad.

I had some pretty rad opportunities in 2009 (being part of three Soldier Rides, finishing a half-Ironman, cycling across Alaska, LivingStrong in Austin, etc.) and I made some even more rad friends that I love to death and am so happy to have as part of my life (you know who you are).

So, I’m going to focus on those things and take the strength, love and support that incredibly keep coming my way in droves and turn my frown of 2009 upside down and make it a big ol’ smile in 2010.  Surely there will be new trials and tribulations ahead, that’s what makes life what it is, but I’m going to embrace the fresh start and focus on my big project for next year – of course, Ironman.  I have no doubt this upcoming journey is going to be one of my most amazing (and difficult and challenging) experiences yet.  And, I’m even more sure that the people I meet along the way will make it kick ass the most.

I’m not usually a resolutions girl.  I don’t think you need to wait for the calendar to turn a certain date to start making changes in your life.  If there’s something you want to change – just make it happen.  No need to wait until Jan. 1.  But, this year, I’m taking advantage of the craze and jumping on the resolutions bandwagon.  I’ve got a few ideas in mind, but no need to make them public just yet.  Not that I think my list of New Year’s resolutions will keep too many of you in any kind of suspense, but I’m still sorting through a few things before I finalize the details.

Anyway, on a completely separate note – I had a somewhat surreal experience this week on that crazy little thing called Twitter. I sent a silly reply to one of John Mayer’s even sillier tweets and he happened to think it was funny, so he re-posted it with a reply. It was nice that he appreciated my sense of humor, but I really didn’t think much of it until my inbox started exploding with notices from Twitter that I was getting new followers at a previously unforeseen (for me) rate.

Now, John has almost 3,000,000 followers and I had about 200 as of Monday.  I’m still 2,690,500 or so followers behind John, but I’ve gained more than 100 new peeps in just three days.  It’s very strange to me to think anybody besides my friends give a shit about anything I say – and, even then, I think they get sick of me – but, at the same time, it’s fun to know that people think you have something worthwhile to share.  Oddly enough, the blog has also seen a relative explosion of traffic.

I’m not setting any records for followers or blog readers, but it seems like a lot for me.  I mean, I’m just an average girl trying to enjoy life, have some fun and finish an Ironman.  For the most part, my life is just like yours, except on those occasions when it’s uniquely mine.  Hmm, that makes no fucking sense whatsoever. I’ll let you figure out what I meant.

It’s easy to look at someone else’s life and think it’s so exciting or adventurous or fascinating and wish you had what they had. But, most of the time all you see is the glamour, excitement and adventure because those are the wonderful things that people like to share, and quite frankly, only the things that most of us want to see.  Often, what we don’t share and what we don’t see (or want to see) are the challenges, obstacles, sacrifices and struggles.  The sad part is, those are the things from which we learn the most and have the most to learn from others.

That doesn’t mean we should focus on the negative, it just means that there’s more to most people, and their lives, than what they let you see.  Try to understand the complete picture of someone’s life or who they are – complexities, complications and all.  And, try not to be so quick to judge what other people do or how they live their lives…so says the girl who spent an entire weekend throwing stones from her “Cart of Judgment.”  (Long story – just know I named  a golf cart the Cart of Judgment) Guess I should take my own damn advice.

So, I started this blog a little more than a year ago as a way of keeping friends and family updated on my training and preparation for this past summer’s bike race across Alaska and it has certainly evolved from there.  I’ve so enjoyed having a place to vomit out the endless running commentary in my head and appreciate those of you that read, indulging me with a small, but mighty, audience.

I’m so very excited to share the ups and downs, successes and failures and wins and losses that are sure to come in 2010 as I journey to Kona and take on the challenge of Ironman.  But, as you can see from the past year, the blog has become much more than a detailed training log.

I’d like to welcome the new folks that are reading and thought it would be fun for ya’ll if I reposted my ”Top 10 Things You Should Know About Katzy” list that I shared in my very first blog post.  Twitter and this blog provide some snippets into my life, so hopefully this list gives you a little more insight – so, when you judge me you have a more complete picture of who I am. For those of you that do know me, this should be good for a few chuckles and feel free to add your own items to the list.

1.  Almost everyone calls me by my last name – Katz.  A more endearing version, Katzy, is used by those closest to me.

2.  I love Hello Kitty.  Yes, I know I’m about to turn 30, not 13.  I don’t care.  Get over it. (Update:  I’m now 31 and I still love me some HK. I even have added a Hello Kitty toaster to my collection!  Thanks, M!)

3.  I’m a vegan.  That’s right – no meat, dairy, eggs or animal products of any kind.  It’s really not that hard to do.  Seems to make you much more uncomfortable than it does me. (I gave up on being vegan this summer.  I know, I’m a quitter, but it was just way too hard.  And, really, not eating cheese is just dumb.  Cheese is delicious.  However, I am still a vegetarian – still no dead animals for me).

4.  I am obssessed with music and going to live shows.  I have phenomenal taste and if you’re in need of recommendations, I’m always willing to share.  I also love to make CD’s for friends, let me know if you’re interested.

5.  I’m scared of many, many things.  Well, actually, most things.  But, fear pisses me off and I refuse to let it control my life.

6.  I’m incredibly cute.  Yeah, that’s it.  I’m just cute.

7.  I have a fabulous sense of style.  I’ll credit my sister here – she steered me in the right direction as I didn’t always dress as well as I do now.

8.  I’m as obssessed with sports as I am with music.  This is Dad’s fault, but I’m thankful.  Sports have given me every opportunity I’ve ever had in my life and even landed me a few jobs.

9.  I watch an absurd amount of television.  It’s okay, I counteract the effects by also reading a lot.  Know of any good books?  I’m always looking for recommendations.

10.  I totally, utterly and completely kick ass.

Peace out.

Thirty-Fun

Ah yes, my most favoritest day of the whole year has come and gone and I’m now officially IN my thirties.  It doesn’t bother me in the least.  I absolutely love my birthday.  In fact, I love it way more than any one person should love their birthday.  What can I say?  I’m damn happy to be alive and think it should be celebrated to the utmost.

That doesn’t always mean some big blowout party or crazy night out – it certainly has in the past – but, the more birthdays I have, the more I realize it’s way more important to spend it with people you love and love you than it is to go balls to the wall partying.  I mean, I have nothing against that either – just taking a back seat these days.

Actually, I’ve challenged myself to do everything I can to be in the best condition possible as I prepare and get ready for Kona next year.  I know that race isn’t a given, but in order for me to get there, it’s going to take extraordinary measures.  For those in the know, this means the re-appearance of No Fun Katz.

I think I’m a pretty fun person on a regular basis.  I like to laugh, I’m adventurous, I like to do fun things and every once in awhile I’m witty enough to make others laugh, too.  That makes me fun, right?  Well, I’ll still do those things, but I’ve cut out the alcohol completely – yes, even the Patron (sacrilege, I know, but I did say extraordinary), and seriously tightened up on the food intake.

I’ll certainly still go out and have a good time, but this means very little to no eating out and definitely no drinking.  I know it sounds insane to some, but it’s just a matter of a little discipline.  I’ve gone many times to a restaurant and just had water because I ate my food before meeting up with friends.  Yeah, yeah, I know it sounds weird, but you do what you gotta do.

Mostly this is all because I’m a control-freak.  Surely that surprises nobody.  I like to control every single aspect of my environment that I possibly can.  The measures sound extreme to some, but really, once you get in a groove it’s no big deal at all.

So, back to the birthday…it was a good day, but to be frankly honest about it, one of the less spectacular I can remember.  Okay, brutal honesty – it was the worst birthday I’ve had since the year I turned 8 and was supposed to have my party at Knott’s Berry Farm, but it rained.

I know that sounds very whiny and ungrateful and I feel bad because that’s not really how I felt.  I’m very appreciative that my co-workers came out to sushi dinner with me, but there was something about this year’s celebration that just felt….empty.  Through the fault of nobody here, as they are very caring and kind, I still very much feel like an outsider here in Colorado.  I’m trying to make it work and feel like home, but I’m pretty far away from that still.  I miss my peeps so much it hurts and no matter how hard I try to mentally feel like this is where I’m supposed to be, it’s just not happening.

Also, this is my first birthday without my Pops and I missed getting that birthday call from him.  Summing it up, 2009 has just been a bitch of a year for me.  It got off to a roaring start, but the past six months have been nothing but loss, disappointment and heartbreak – over and over and over again.  I’m 99% of the way out of the pit and I’m so damn ready for 31 and 2010 to kick the shit out of 30 and 2009.

I know I’ve learned so much from my experiences this past year and grown tremendously from them.  I’d like to say I wouldn’t trade them for anything, but there are plenty of things I wish had never happened.  Sadly, life doesn’t work that way and I refuse to sit around and wallow in regret or despair.  I did that for a couple months and I’m not going back into that hell-hole.

I’m not big on New Year’s resolutions because I feel like there’s no point in waiting until the flip of the calendar to make life changes, but I know I’ll be trying to turn over a few new leaves when Jan. 1 hits.  I’m getting an early start and trying to make changes now, too.  Let’s call them my Thanksgiving Day resolutions.  I’m not ready to make any big public declaration, but you never know…

Wow, I think this is quite possibly the whiniest blog I’ve ever written.  I certainly didn’t intend for that to happen.  Guess I’m allowed one every so often, no?

To leave you on a very happy note – I’m off to Boston in just three days to visit my sis and bro-in-law for a belated birthday celebration so I can see their awesome new house and meet their super cute new dog, Annie.  Extra, super-special bonus is that I get to see one of my BFF, Andrew!  Yippee!  Thursday can’t get here fast enough.

Next blog will be post-Boston and pre-Turkey Day.  Should be a good one as I’ll not only recount my Boston adventures (even if No Fun Katz is tagging along), but also share the “What I’m Thankful For” list.  Despite my bitching and moaning in this post, I promise you that’s a pretty damn long list.

Peace out.

 

 

 

Well, Lance, “Rolling” My Ass

More than one year ago, I challenged myself and some friends to take on the task of cycling 90 miles in the LiveStrong Challenge in support of the Lance Armstrong Foundation and the fight against cancer.  We got a little team together, affectionately known as Team Lazy Sucks (TLS), and we started to train.  I trained here in Colorado, a couple team members trained together in Austin and the majority of the girls were working hard in Birmingham.  Keep in mind that when we began this particular journey, most of us hadn’t ever ridden our bikes very far, much less 90 miles, so it was a pretty big task to tackle.

I’m beyond proud of my teammates and the preparation they put into this event.  I mean, it wasn’t even a race!  But, we all believed strongly in the cause and wanted to do our part.  Not to mention, it gave us a goal, something to strive for personally and the chance to get together for a fun weekend in Austin.  If you’ve never been to Austin, it’s a very difficult place NOT to have fun.

TLS took part in the LiveStrong 5k run/walk on Saturday morning, just to support the event and take in all it had to offer.  We certainly weren’t out there looking to light the pavement on fire.  In fact, we took a whopping 52 minutes to walk and enjoy the downtown route.  Except for Stephanie – who ran a sub-30 minute race, a huge accomplishment for her in her very first 5k.  Way to go Steph!  The rest of us were saving up for the big ride on Sunday.

The ride on Sunday took place in Dripping Springs, otherwise known as the Texas Hill Country.  I thought that surely it couldn’t be any worse than what I train on out here and the course map sure looked like it was bunch of long, rolling hills.  Well, Lance, “rolling” my ass.

I’ll start with the fact that I missed the time cut-off to continue on the 90 mile course and was diverted to the 65 mile course.  I can’t even begin to tell you the level of frustration and disappointment I felt coming up that hill at mile 37 knowing I’d missed the time cut and let down myself, my team and all those that supported me in this endeavor.  I was beyond pissed, to say the least, and there were more than just a few F bombs dropped.  Actually, there were plenty of F bombs all along the way.  It makes me feel better to curse at the hills.  Oh, stop, don’t judge.  I’m no Deb Morgan, but yeah, I curse a lot.  It’s my mom’s fault.

Just a week prior to the Challenge, I did an 80 mile training ride (twice around the Squirrel Creek loop) and felt great!  I didn’t light the world on fire, but for me, finishing in 6:25 with a 12.5 mph average was great.  I fo sho thought it would be no trouble to make the 3 hour/37 mile time cut and, quite frankly, it didn’t ever occur to me that I wouldn’t.

I do not want to make excuses for what happened.  I didn’t perform as well as I needed to.  I will still say that I have never biked a tougher overall course (including what I did in Alaska this summer – yes, Hatcher’s Pass was a complete bitch, but that was only 10 miles worth) than what I did on Sunday.  I’ve decided the ride needs to be renamed “The Uphill Tour of the Worst Roads in Texas.”  There was nothing rolling about those hills – it literally just kept going up.  If there weren’t short, steep climbs, then it was endlessly long, gradual climbs that went on for miles.  The downhills were so short, they didn’t really provide any time to rest or recover and there was absolutely no flat to speak of.

On top of the tough terrain, the road conditions were just abominable.  I would say about 95% of the course was on chip seal (ask any cyclist you know about chip seal – you’ll get an immediate reaction) and there were numerous pot holes, bumps, dips, etc.  Oh, and did I mention the cattle guards?  Yeah, cattle guards.  Welcome to Texas, bitches.

Again, not excuses for my performance, but it was most certainly not what I was expecting.  It still stings a little to know I didn’t ride the 90, but I’ve learned from it and all I can do now is put that in my pocket and move on.  I’m proud of finishing that tough 65 (my favorite part was cranking past the people who were walking their bikes up the steep hills!) and finishing it with my friends.  A huge thank you to Mandy, Tiff, Beth and Becca for riding with me and being some of the strongest, most amazing women I know.  And, big time congrats to Lia, Lise, Jami and Nivada for finishing the 90!  We are so proud of you.  Also, thanks to Mama Katz, the Austin Malcoms and Aunt Sharon for supporting us along the way!

I’m now charged with setting my 2010 race schedule.  I have lots of ideas and plenty of races to choose from, but every single thing I do between now and Oct. 9, 2010 will be with one purpose – finishing Hawaii Ironman.  Those things aren’t just limited to my training.  I’m a woman on a mission.  Every single decision I make and action I take over the next 343 days have to be decisions and actions that will take me closer to my goal.  Every.  Single.  One.

Will it be intense?  Yes.  Will it be hard?  Absolutely.  Will there be days I don’t want to what I have to do?  Uh, yeah.  But, I will do them and I will thrive on the difficulty and the intensity.  I’ve been through plenty of tough shit in my life – physical and mental – but, I have a feeling this is going to be, by far, the greatest challenge yet.  I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Peace out.

Kona Blues

So, it’s here.  The 2009 Ford Ironman World Championships have arrived.  And, here I am, still in Colorado.  I thought I was so at peace with what happened in Lubbock and not making it to the big show this year, but it’s hit me pretty hard and I won’t lie – I’m severely bummed not to be in Hawaii.

I appreciate the big love and support I’ve gotten from my always amazing friends saying how much better it will be next year.  I believe that, though it doesn’t make it suck any less for this year.  Irregardless, I’ll be watching live online tomorrow and cheering on the few folks I know that will be racing and all those I don’t who are amazing enough to be at the start line!

So, moving on….I’m happy to report that I’ve had a very successful week of training (finally) and am feeling like I’m getting my momentum back.  The new part to replace the cracked piece of my bike frame finally arrived yesterday, so once that gets all patched up and the temp rises above 30 degrees and it stops snowing, I will be able to once again hit the open road.  I’ve missed it dearly and I’m in desperate need of some time outside as Team Lazy Sucks has a very big event coming up in just a couple of weeks.  I know we’ll all be fine, but it would be nice to get some time on the road before the 25th.

Speaking of the 25th – Team Lazy Sucks (yours truly in particular) still needs your help!  For those new to the blog, we are picking a fight with cancer and riding 100 miles in the Livestrong Challenge in Austin (see post below for detailed info).  My goal is to raise $1,000 and I’m only a little more than halfway there.  Whatever you might be able to contribute makes a difference.  So, please help and donate today.

Last I blogged I was on my way to Birmingham for Operation Rise & Conquer weekend – an amazing three days of outdoor adventure sports camp for wounded warriors and their family members.  Once again, the event didn’t disappoint.  It’s always an honor for me to spend any amount of time giving back to the military men and women that have selflessly served our country and sacrificed so much for our liberty and freedom.  I am always humbled and appreciative to do the little bit that I can.

What makes ORC such a great weekend doesn’t really have anything to do with the water skiing, scuba diving, kayaking, fishing or other super rad activities going on – it’s all about the people.  It still amazes me how much I feel at “home” when I go back to the ‘Ham.  It has zero to do with that steaming hot, socially stunted, overly religious, completely non-progressive town – it’s because I feel at home with the family of incredible people I found there during my three and half years at Lakeshore.

I think one of my most poignant moments of the weekend was when I was sitting at the airport waiting for my flight home and tweeted, “Another amazing wknd at Op Rise & Conquer.  Remember all the reasons why I love this place & all the reasons why I left.”  I tapped that out without even thinking about it, but after it was posted and I saw the words on the screen, wow it hit me hard.

It’s always easy to look back on a place, a situation, a person, a relationship – whatever – after the fact and glamorize and only remember the good things and good times.  Often we take our current problems and dissatisfactions with life and reminisce about how great things were in the last place or with the last person.  Eh, that’s all a bunch of bullshit.

Most likely, the problems you have now are the same as you had before because all you did was move them from one place or one person to another.  In reality, the thing that needs fixing is you and until you invest the time in yourself to make the changes that need to be made, you can keep running away or moving from state-to-state or job-to-job or person-to-person, but you’ll eventually just wind up in the same situation with the same dissatisfactions and problems.

Uh, of course, when I say “you” that means I certainly in no way have described myself.  :)

All these deep, thoughtful revelations and three days of non-stop fun wore me out, but there was no time to rest. I had a short layover at home before heading out on an overnight work trip to Chicago. Once I got home from Chicago I thought I was done with traveling until heading to Austin (three whole uninterrupted weeks at home!), but I got the news yesterday that next week I’m off to Salt Lake City for a few days for work.

It won’t be too bad of a trip, but wait, Utah?  Hold on.  Do they let Jews into Utah?  I’ve never been.  Will I even clear customs? Hmm, I guess we’ll have to wait and see!

The other big excitement in my world is that we’re T-minus one month and three days ’til Katzy turns 30-fun!  Yes, my most favorite day of the year – my birthday, of course – is just around the corner.  Still working on plans for the big day/weekend/week, but the weekend after the big day I’m heading east to visit sister and bro-in-law in Boston.  I haven’t been out in way too long and it will be fun to visit with them in their new house.  Hoping to see a couple other friends while I’m there, so it should shape up to be a pretty good trip.

I’m feeling like I should find one more race or event before the calendar flips to 2010, so it’s possible I’ll sneak that in too.  I mean, I’m only 15 segments away from Premier Exec status on United.  That’s only five trips if I fly out of the Springs every time!  I can’t come up short on that one.

Don’t forget to do what you can in the fight against cancer.  Please donate & help support me and Team Lazy Sucks!

Peace out.

Let’s Pick a Fight

If you’ve been keeping up, you know it’s been a damn busy summer for Team Katz.  Trying to keep up with myself has meant there have been a few things that I’ve let slide – some more important than others.  One very important thing I haven’t spent nearly enough time harassing you about is Team Lazy Sucks.

For those of you that have forgotten, I created Team Lazy Sucks for those of my friends and family that wanted to participate in the Austin LiveStrong Challenge and help raise money to fight cancer.  The LiveStrong Challenge consists of a 5k run/walk on Saturday (10/24) and a bike ride on Sunday (10/25).  Participants have options on the length of the ride, but being who I am and doing what I do – I chose the 100 mile option.

I have an amazing group of folks that are joining me on this adventure and they have all been training super hard to get ready to kick ass all 100 miles of the ride.  I feel like I’ve been slacking a bit on the training and though my fitness isn’t quite where it needs to be just yet, I’ve got four weeks to make it happen and I know I’ll be ready.  My big test will be the 80 miler on my schedule for Oct. 10.  Who wants to come out and join me?  Anyone?

The most important thing about the LiveStrong Challenge is that we are all raising money to fight cancer.  Sadly, so few of us haven’t been touched by this horrible disease at some point in our lives.  It’s hard to imagine that your $5 or your $10 will make a difference, but it will.  My goal is to raise $1000 for the Lance Armstrong Foundation (I’m just over halfway there!) and while I feel raising the money is an important part of the fight, I feel it’s just as important to be there in person showing my support for survivors and families of those who lost the fight.

Not only do I need your support in this endeavor, all those fighting cancer need your support too.  You have two options.  One, there’s still room on the team!  You can join us in Austin, as a part of Team Lazy Sucks!  Sign up here.  Or, if you can’t make the trip (though, this is going to an epic weekend – why wouldn’t you want to be there?!), please donate whatever amount you can. Every dollar helps, so help me pick a fight against cancer!

In other Team Katz news…last I checked in, I was still working through a rough patch and trying to find my way back to myself. It’s been a struggle, no doubt about that, but I think I’ve mostly found my way.  It’s funny how after weeks or months of turmoil, things literally change in the blink of an eye.  It’s like somebody snaps their fingers and you’re back; though it’s a weird “back.”  I mean, I’m back to the same witty, sarcastic, fun-loving Katz I was before, but something is different. It’s not outward, but I feel it inside.

That’s what life is all about – building on your life experiences and becoming a better, stronger person all along the way.  We’re growing, learning and changing all the time and we hope it’s always for the better.  I’m used to drawing on the amazingly positive experiences I’m so blessed to have in my life – learning from the incredible people I meet or learning about myself by pushing beyond the limits I think exist and conquering difficult challenges.

This time is different.  I’ve grown.  I’ve learned.  I’ve changed.  But, I’m worried it’s not completely for the better.  This time, I’m a little more wary, a little less trusting and have a little bigger callous on my heart.  It’s not all doom and gloom, we all heal and move forward from the tough times.  I’m okay.  I’ve closed the door on this chapter and I’ve moved on – as a better, stronger and wiser Katz.  Just different.

I had the great fortune of traveling to San Antonio last week for one of our Paralympic Military Sports Camps.  As always, it was an incredible week.  Not only did we change lives and “heal hearts” (so said one of my favorite campers, Al), but I can’t tell you how amazing my U.S. Paralympics team members are.  This is an incredibly dedicated, hard-working group of people who are passionate and committed to the work we do.  So, thank you , John, Wendy, Jeff, Leslie, Rachel, Dawna, Tina, Jason, Tom, and Allison for doing what you do, giving back what we can to our fantastic military men and women and inspiring me to work harder and be better.

To add to my list of blessings – I leave on Wednesday for a triumphant return to Birmingham.  Not only do I get to spend 4.5 days with the greatest friends anyone could every ask for, I’m headed back for Operation Rise & Conquer weekend.  This is the big annual outdoor adventure sports camp for injured military personnel hosted by Lakeshore Foundation.  Talk about a weekend of healing hearts.  Being at ORC is one of the most moving and powerful weekends I get to take part in all year.  It literally is food for the soul.  Not to mention, it’s a shitload of fun!

Selfishly, it will be an incredibly healing weekend for me too.  I know I’m in need of some time with my peeps, just to feel unconditionally loved and supported; and not so alone.

Is it Wednesday yet?

There isn’t much, if any?, Internet access down at Lake Martin, but I promise to give a full report – with photos – when I get back from the ‘Ham.

Don’t forget – join Team Lazy Sucks or donate today!

Peace out.

Stay Tuned

No surprise, it’s been an up and down few weeks here and I’m traveling like crazy through the end of this month, but that’s no excuse for all the slacking I’ve been doing.

And, I don’t mean just the slacking I’ve been doing here on the blog. I’ve been slacking on everything, but those days are over.

I have much to share, but it’s already late and I have a 4:30a date with 24hr Fitness. So, stay tuned because tomorrow night I’ll get you all caught up. I look forward to hearing your thoughts too! Team Katz needs your support!

For the record – you should note the heavy overtones of sarcasm any time I refer to myself in the third person.

More to come…Peace out.

High Five? Not Quite.

I had four really good days in a row. Almost five. I was so close. Today wasn’t horrible, just not so great either. However, today’s version of not so great was an improvement over other recent versions, so I’m still claiming progress!

I am doing really well getting back into my training & morning workout routine. Frustrating news of the day is that my bike frame is cracked. Boooo. I can still ride it on the trainer, but no road until it’s fixed. Hopefully, not too long.

The silver lining is that this might give me some extra time in the race chair. I haven’t actually been in the racer since my crash in Lubbock. Mostly because I haven’t had the time, scratch that, haven’t made the time to take it to the shop to get fixed.

And, if I’m being totally honest (uh, kind of the point of this whole blog), there’s probably some fear to overcome about getting back on the proverbial horse. Guess we’ll find out next week.

Okay, just a quick update tonight as I’m tapping out this post from my phone – hope there aren’t too many typos! Going to be a good weekend as Mama & Papa Katz hit COS tomorrow and we’re off to the mountains for the long weekend.

Peace out.

Back Here, on Planet Earth

Today was my third good day in a row.  I’m calling it a trend.  I’m certainly hoping so.  You know when you don’t feel well (whatever it might be that’s wrong) and you know you’re just not right, but you don’t realize exactly how bad off you are/were until you get back to feeling like your normal self? [What I just wrote is possibly the most poorly constructed sentence in the history of the English language, but I digress..] If you’ve ever felt that way – you know what I’m going through right now.

I’ve been so off for the past month and I knew I didn’t feel well, but until I started climbing out of my pit of despair these past few days, I don’t think I realized just how wrong I was.  The thing is, when you feel like that – you want to feel better.  It’s not like I enjoyed what I was going through, but somehow there’s just no way possible to snap out of it and pull yourself back together.

I know that can be tough for some people to understand, especially if they’ve never been in that place before.  If you haven’t, count yourself lucky.  It’s not any place anybody wants to be.

Hmm, rambling and repetitiveness out of the way…I actually had some pretty big revelations last night.  I realized that a big part of me didn’t (doesn’t) want to get to feeling better because that means, to me, that I’m really starting to let go and move on.  If I’m not sad or disappointed, it means I’m accepting the loss and moving forward with my life.  These are good things and while I know I should be really happy about this – it’s still not easy.  I’m not ready to let go.  I don’t want to move on.  I want back what I had.  I want to pretend like none of this happened and just return to the way things were.

But, back here in the real world – on planet Earth – that’s not realistic nor is probably really the best thing for me.  It’s good to know I’m making progress, but it doesn’t make it any easier.

On another note – I had the weirdest night last night.  I had a nasty bout of insomnia and was wide awake at 3 a.m., staring at the ceiling.  I decided it was useless to waste all that time, not sleeping and waiting for my alarm to go off at 5 a.m.  So, I got up and went to the gym.  Yup, a 3:30 a.m. swim, a quick stop at Walgreens and I was home by 5 a.m. and got in a quick nap before getting back up and heading to work.

Totally strange, yes.  But, it felt AMAZING to workout in the morning again.  It’s been much, much too long since I got in a solid A.M. workout and whoa, it totally changes the entire landscape of the day.  I can’t say it enough – if you’re trying to get into a workout routine or are training for something, do your best to get those workouts done in the morning.  I know it’s hard to get out of bed early.  But, it’s so very, very worth it.

I’m still not ready to make any declaration that things are back to normal and life is all sunshine & puppies, but definite progress has been made.  I got a wonderful, supportive email from a good friend today that told me I put too much pressure on myself feeling like I have to kick ass all day, every day.  Maybe, but I’m sure as hell going to try!

Peace out.

PS – Do you think I could have used the word “feel” just a few more times in this post?

Every Day is a Struggle

So, yeah, it’s been beyond quiet here on the blog for way too long.  I haven’t written since I returned from Alaska and it’s been a pretty tumultuous month since I got back to the “Lower 48.”  I haven’t really felt like I’ve been ready to share up until now – and quite frankly, I’m still not sure I’m ready – but, I think this is going to be a big step in my journey forward.

I haven’t yet shared with you that the day I finished my race atop Hatcher’s Pass, I called home to share my success with my parents and my mom had to tell me the news that my dearly beloved Pops had become very ill while I was away and he wasn’t going to be with us much longer.  My euphoria turned instantly to sadness and all I could think about was getting home to my family as fast as possible.

Melissa and I left Anchorage at 1:33 a.m. (Alaska time) and by the time I landed in Phoenix at about 9 a.m. Pacific time, my Pops was gone.  I could probably write an entire blog about my Pops, how much I love him and how much he taught me.  But, I’m not sure I would be able to get through it.  He was the wisest, strongest, bravest and most caring man I’ve ever known.  I’d like to think more than a little bit of my work ethic comes from him.

Pops was 92 when he passed and he lived the fullest life of anyone I’ve ever known.  He stayed incredibly active right up until the end, he lived his life on his own terms and did things the right way all the time.  I hope that people can say the same about me when I go.

So, while dealing with and processing the loss of my Pops, I also “lost” another very important person in my life.  Not in the same way, but the hurt all feels the same.  My person is going through an incredibly difficult transition in his life and felt that it was best not to involve me in what he considers to be his mess.  No need to go into details, but I’ll just say there’s nothing worse than knowing someone you care about so much is having a hard time and you’re utterly, completely helpless to do anything for him. It’s truly just heartbreaking.

Sorry that the tone of this post is much different than most of my upbeat, encouraging or witty words.  I just feel like the sadness and loneliness are oppressive right now and as hard as I’m trying, it’s very hard to get out from underneath.  I’ll make my way – I always do.  And, I have so much to be grateful for and so many incredible blessings in my life.  I know I’ve got the love and support of the most amazing family & friends in the world, which certainly helps, but there are still many tough moments and difficult things I’m sorting through.

The love & support of my friends is what’s getting me through each day, but I do have to give a public shout out to a few friends who have gone above and beyond supporting and loving me through this past month – HLM 1, HLM 2, Ker, M, Mand, T, Jefe, Noah, Adam & Nikki, Chris and D.  Y’all are the very best and I’m lucky to have you.

On a completely different topic, my workout routine has gone to shit.  I spent three weeks recovering from Alaska & life and I’ve had a very difficult time getting back into the swing of things.  I mean, forget the early mornings – my lazy ass just isn’t getting out of bed.  I’m really trying to force myself into daily workouts, but it’s just not happening.  This is beyond weird for me.  I’m used to being able to flip a switch and just make things happen.  No switch.  No flipping.

Maybe I need to ease back in a little bit more, but for the love, I’ve got a 100 mile ride in just two months time!  I also know that the exercise, routine and structure of a training plan will help me more than just about anything else I could possibly do – drugs excluded.  I’m supposed to be the motivational leader of my beloved Team Lazy Sucks and I can’t manage to get my ass on the bike for a short one hour ride.  Okay, TLS, that’s your cue – Team Katz is in need of some motivation of her own.  I know you girls got my back.  Send all the vibes you’ve got.

I’d like to promise that this was it – the one cathartic writing that gets it all out, pushes me over the hump and puts me back on track.  But, I can’t promise you that.  I will say that this has helped a bit.  Just like I’m working back into a training routine, I’m working back into a writing routine.  You all signed up to share my journey and as much as I’d like to think that it’s all fun times and great success, that’s just not life.  What I appreciate the most is knowing that each of you is there with me, good times and bad.  Mad love.

Pops & KJB – I miss you. xoxo

Peace out.

Team Katz 250, Alaska 0

Final score.  I win!  Well, I didn’t really win the whole thing, but I finished each and every mile of the race – including today’s heinously brutal 10 mile, 4500-ft. climb up Hatcher Pass.  So, even though I was fourth place overall (Yay for M finishing third!), I still feel like I won.

They really weren’t kidding when they called this thing Ultra Challenge.  This was a complete physical and mental challenge from the start.  I definitely felt physically prepared, but the mental toll it takes on you throughout the week-long race is something I haven’t experienced.  Not to mention, the endless and ongoing rain didn’t help me have any kind of sunshiny attitude most days.

Right now, I’m overwhelmed with exhaustion, sore muscles and homesickness, but I know when I look back on this race it will be one of the most rewarding accomplishments of my life.  I’m thrilled that I had Melissa along for the ride.  I can’t imagine having done this alone.

We have just a little downtime this afternoon before tonight’s big celebration banquet.  Then, we hop a flight out of Anchorage at 1:44 a.m.  I think the only other time I wanted to get home this bad was when I was in Beijing last fall.  I can’t wait to snuggle up with my sweet boy and sleep in my own bed.

A huge thank you to everyone who has supported and encouraged me throughout the week – and beyond.  The folks from Challenge Alaska also deserve a big shoutout for putting on such a fantastic and well-run race.  As great as it was, I’m pretty sure this is my first and last Sadler’s Ultra Challenge.

Finish the race? Check.  Don’t get eaten by a bear? Check.  Done & done.

Peace out Alaska!